


Sitting in the Window

by mollrach13



Series: Merlin Season 5 ficlets [5]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Post-Episode: s05e09 With All My Heart, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 09:29:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15603375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollrach13/pseuds/mollrach13
Summary: Post 5x09 - With All My Heart.After the events of 'With All My Heart' Gwen goes to see her old friend.(or after 5x09 Gwen and Merlin have a chat about grief and the aftermath of being under Morgana's control.)





	Sitting in the Window

**Author's Note:**

> Just another shameless piece of Gwen&Merlin friendship goodness.

Gwen waited until the arm wrapped tightly around her waist loosened, until she felt her husband fall into slumber cocooned against her back. Sighing slightly, she slipped from their bed and with one last glance at Arthur. Wishing him peaceful dreams, she left into the night. 

Her destination wasn’t far. The castle corridors were deserted at this time of night, all citizens tucked into their beds, all apart from one.

The candle light flickered against the white stones of her castle, bracketing the window seat where he sat, blanket around his shoulders and staring out into the night. Gwen’s hurried footsteps paused for a moment, watching the tickle of orange light and shadows play off his face. 

He was much older, and much wiser than the first night they spent curled in the window seat together. It had been shortly after her father’s death and they had repeated the ritual countless other times over the years. Every time something terrible befell their world and sleep evaded them. But then again, she wasn’t exactly the same young serving girl she had been when they first met either. 

“Merlin,” she whispered into the night. His head snapped around as if she had shouted; his eyes wide and fierce. She almost stepped back, the face upon the friend she loved so foreign and frightening. But it took just a moment for her face to register in his eyes and his whole body softened. 

“Gwen,” he smiled shifting in his seat to allow her space. 

Gwen tucked herself into the shelf opposite him, her feet safely tucked in beside his hips and his arm gently resting on her legs, holding them still. 

“I didn’t think you’d be here tonight,” Merlin spoke against the window. Gwen mirrored his stare, watching through the stained glass to her kingdom below. 

“I knew you’d be here.”

“I didn’t think Arthur would let you out of his sight,” Merlin replied sending a playful smirk in her direction. 

“Arthur’s asleep.”

“Sneaking from you marital bed in the dead of night to meet another man?” Merlin gasped. “What will the council think?”

Gwen felt a small smile pull at the corners of her mouth and prodded her toe playfully against his hip. “Oh, shut up Merlin.”

“Ow,” Merlin winced, shifting away from her attack. “Careful, you’re starting to talk like Arthur.”

Gwen smiled slightly, the furthest up-turn her lips had managed so far since they had arrived back in Camelot, and settled her gaze into the still night outside the window. All the people of Camelot, her people, were tucked safely in their beds below her and she had nearly been the cause of their destruction-

“Hey,” Merlin mumbled, jostling her leg and drawing her from her thoughts. She turned her head and was caught in the kind blue-eyed stare of her old friend, the only thing that had stayed exactly the same all these years. “It wasn’t your fault,” he told her, his voice so sure and kind. “You had no control over what you were doing.”

“I betrayed everyone Merlin,” Gwen whispered wretchedly. “I tried to kill Arthur, my husband.”

“You don’t think I understand that?” Merlin asked, laying a warm hand over Gwen’s where they twisted together on her knees. “You are not the only one who has been under her control before. I know you feel guilty but I am telling you that no one blames you.”

“I blame myself,” Gwen spoke quietly, allowing all her thoughts and fears to circulate through her head easily, slotting into place. This was one of the powers of Merlin, Gwen thought. It was why his presence and advice were so important to Arthur… and to her. He didn’t say a lot but just the mere feel of him near you was enough for you to understand yourself and the world a little better. 

“You will for a time,” Merlin spoke softly. “But soon you will realise that guilt helps no one. And you will put your efforts into greater things, like ensuring it never happens to another again.”

“Is that what you did?” Gwen asked, glancing at Merlin sideways. His brow creased together in a serious expression, thoughtful. It almost made Gwen want to laugh that Arthur ever dared called this man an idiot. 

“I didn’t remember much from my time under Morgana’s spell,” Merlin shrugged. “And from what I heard I was a truly atrocious assassin, I don’t know what Morgana was thinking.” Gwen chuckled at that and nodded in agreement earning herself a reproving poke from Merlin. “But… afterwards I did scare myself with a lot of ‘what ifs’. ‘What if’ I had succeeded? ‘What if’ Arthur or the knights had noticed? I don’t think they would have been as understanding as you and Gaius.”

“Of course they would,” Gwen asserted. “They’re your friends, they would have understood as they have for me.”

Merlin’s smile took on a rueful slant and he shook his head. “I’m their servant.”

“You’re their friend,” Gwen insisted. “You know how much they care for you. As do I. If what happened to Elyan has taught me anything it is that I should let the people I care about know it more often. “

Gwen’s voice broke on her brother’s name, a fresh wave of grief overpowering her. Merlin reached forward and gripped her hand in his, a silent unobtrusive comfort beside her. 

“And I feel guilty because all that I did is not what I regret the most,” Gwen whispered when she had regained her breath. “My brother died. He died weeks ago and I wasn’t even able to grieve for him properly.”

“You can do that now Gwen,” Merlin said fiercely. His bright blue eyes boring into hers. She stared helplessly back, willing just an ounce of the strength she saw there to filter through into her own being. “One thing I know is that you never stop grieving for the ones you lose no matter how many years pass. He will not begrudge you a few weeks of mourning.”

She nodded silently and they both went back to looking out over the town below. They stayed like that – two old friends basking in the others presence – for longer than Gwen took notice of. But when the sky started turning from deep black to blue she felt Merlin stir beside her. 

“You should go back before Arthur wakes. He will be worried if you’re gone.”

Gwen nodded and shifted enough to allow Merlin to stand. She knew he had a long day ahead of him and guilt washed through her once more at the thought that she had denied him a good night’s sleep. Looking at him now she could tell that he needed it. His eyes were rimmed in dark skin, almost bruised looking and the rest of his face was a wash of pale skin. And his shoulders were bowed with a weight and a burden that Gwen could not explain, one that the servant of the King should not have to carry. 

Before he could move away with a tired smile she reached out and gripped his wrist, stilling him in place.

“Don’t think I don’t remember you disappeared Merlin. I don’t know what Morgana had planned when Daegal lured you to her, but you were gone for days with no explanation.”

His worried expression was quickly covered with a kind smile. “It was nothing Gwen, don’t worry about it.”

He tried to twist out of her grip but she tightened it. “When you came back you had a limp.”

Gwen saw the multitude of different responses to that flicker through Merlin’s eyes; denial, misdirection, an outright lie. In the end he just let his shoulder’s drop slightly, betraying the weight that they held, and sighed.

“I don’t think it will do anyone any good to dwell on it do you?”

Gwen was startled for a moment by the trouble that seeped through Merlin’s blue eyes, those eyes that used to twinkle with mischief and life. Now they betrayed sadness and pain and Gwen had no idea how to help her friend. 

Her grip on his wrist loosened and he moved away, disappearing into the warren of hallways in the castle. Gwen watched him leave for a moment watched his steps grow surer and steadier with each pace, turning from her friend into the mysterious servant of the King. Eventually she sighed too, rising from the window seat and turning back towards her own chambers. 

There was no doubt that Merlin was keeping secrets. Morgana’s disdain for the boy was too potent for it to be mere annoyance at being foiled time and again. But was Merlin right? Would it do no good to dwell on it?

As she reached the door to Arthur’s rooms she decided that her old friend may be right. But that would not stop her from keeping a closer eye on her oldest friend. God knows someone had to.


End file.
